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  • Amanda Gardner

Let's Talk About It - Domestic Violence

Domestic violence in a family has a major influence on a persons life. It is never good to experience and most of us who have parents who have been through it, have a lot of work to go through. It is also most difficult to understand why and how it happens because it seems to be something that not many people are keen to talk about openly. For example, women might be easy to forgive and conjure up an excuse for their partner, telling friends and doctors that the bruises are from an accident. A man may omit to share any experiences of humiliation and psychological abuse from his partner out of fear or embarrassment. Why does this happen? Why don’t these people just leave the person? It doesn’t make any sense! Well, it could be any reason from financial dependency to fear that they won’t have the support that they need to keep the abuser away after they leave. Sometimes people live in fear long after they have left an unhealthy relationship.

Some of the most frustrating times of my life have been spent trying to get someone to understand that possessiveness, codependency, and intimidation does not equal love. Was I successful? Not really. Did it affect me as a child? Of course, it did. Did I make it through? The answer is a big fat yes. It was not easy, but I took full responsibility for my life and how it turned out and I am grateful.

So, how did I make it through life this far without letting my past and my mother's example of love pin me down into a life sentence of feelings of unworthiness and pity?

The answer: Time, education and inviting quality people into my life. The first thing I had to do was stop letting my past control me. I had to stop thinking I can rescue someone who does not want to be rescued, and understand that I am worthy of all of the things in life I have always wanted, a loving partner, good friends and unforgettable life experiences. It was time to stop playing the victim and take control of the wheel. After I did this, then everything changed. I was free.

The point of this post is not to talk about how to get over this experience, that will be another time. The point is just to talk about it. Not everyone has the resources and the opportunities to get out of the situation they are in, that is why there is a lot of work to be done. The more we talk about it and let it be known that it is not normal and that we do not have to go through these things alone, the more men and women feel like they will have a voice and are able to steal their lives back and start living fully.


Domestic Violence, Abuse, and Co-Dependency is not always physical

Taking money from the other person whenever they get paid and not letting them have any personal say in how they spend it, controlling every aspect of finances.

Requiring a partner to accompany them everywhere, making them feel rude or unfaithful because they choose not to.

Degrading her or him or making fun of the others personal hobbies, to the point that they neglect their own interests.

Limiting access to the partners education.

Asking the partner who he or she is trying to impress or calling them names when they attempt to put on make-up or dress up nice, leading to the point where they begin to wear nothing but unisex and baggier clothes that does not show off any of her form.

Any form of hitting or physical violence, for any reason.

Pressure to do drugs or drink then putting the other person down for getting hooked on substances.

Having sex or sexual contact with the other partner while asleep or without permission, no matter how long you have been together or if you are in a serious relationship.

Any form of manipulation or intimidation

Not giving a partner privacy and stalking them at work

Not giving them privacy at home for personal care or family matters

Not letting the other partner have their own non-mutual friends or accusing them of cheating every time they make any.

All of these are tactics that break down a person to make them things that they are not capable of having a loving partner who treats them with respect.

At this point, the partner forgives easily because he or she does not understand the level of respect that he or she is entitled to or deserves. When a child sees this, this is what they are taught. They will expect nothing more than this from their own relationships. This shows the children that they use force to get what they want, and not their words.


Domestic Violence Does Not Only Happen to Women

Men can be abused. Men can be abused by women. It is common for a man to let a woman abuse him and not do anything to protect himself out of fear of abusing her. Men can be also psychologically abused just as much as a woman. Partners can do so many things to hurt the other without raising a hand, such as using a child against one another and taking advantage of custody rights or withholding child support.


Abuse Can Continue After the Relationship is Over

Sometimes partners can use money as a leverage to get their way, making their ex feel like they have no power and will lose any court case or fight. Partners can use tactics such as talking bad about the other parent to the child to get the child to favour them. Other tactics include constantly being late on child support payments, not honouring agreements with custody and shared responsibilities as well as blackmail to name a few.


How can you help someone who is in this situation?

The answer is simple, let them know that you are there for them when they are ready to handle it. Give them resources. Give them resources to education. Give them resources to counsellors, to domestic violence shelters, to anonymous hotlines.

Sometimes the person will not be able to get away from the abuser and even deny that there is anything wrong. At this point, all you can do is give them the resources and let them know that you are truly there for them and are willing to help in any way you can.

TALK ABOUT IT, even if you are not being abused. Awareness helps people understand the problem and identify it as well. When a man or a woman being abused feels like there is a major support group to go to for help, they are more likely to think about it as a realistic alternative.

CONCLUSION

There is no perfectly normal family, and these challenges can help us grow and empower us to make a big difference in the lives of others. We can take responsibility for our place here on earth and pass down the knowledge to others who are in similar situations and to prevent them from happening.

Below are a list of resources for people who feel like they may know someone who is being abused or is being abused themselves. Nobody should have to feel alone. Spreading the awareness helps educate potential abusers as well and may save a life.


http://www.beckysfund.org/story/my-testimony/  - Becky’s Fund strives to address domestic violence in all sectors of our community, establish prevention-based educational programs to counter domestic violence, and collaborate with others in the community to find ways to change the behavior and thinking behind issues that cause and perpetuate domestic violence.The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 

(SAFE)www.ndvh.org

National Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474www.loveisrespect.org

Americans Overseas Domestic Violence Crisis Center International Toll-Free (24/7) 1-866-USWOMEN (879-6636)
www.866uswomen.org

National Child Abuse Hotline/Childhelp 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)www.childhelp.org

National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673 (HOPE)www.rainn.org

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 (TALK)www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

National Center for Victims of Crime 1-202-467-8700www.victimsofcrime.org

National Human Trafficking Resource Center/Polaris Project Call: 1-888-373-7888 | Text: HELP to BeFree (233733)www.polarisproject.org

National Network for Immigrant and Refugee Rights 1-510-465-1984www.nnirr.org

National Coalition for the Homeless 1-202-737-6444www.nationalhomeless.org

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence 1-800-537-2238www.nrcdv.org and www.vawnet.orgFutures Without Violence: The National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence 1-888-792-2873www.futureswithoutviolence.orgNational Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health1-312-726-7020 ext. 2011www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.orgCHILDRENChildhelp 

USA/National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453www.childhelpusa.orgChildren’s Defense Fund 202-628-8787www.childrensdefense.org

Child Welfare League of America 202-638-2952www.cwla.org

National Council on Juvenile and Family Court Judges Child Protection and Custody/Resource Center on Domestic Violence1-800-527-3233www.ncjfcj.org

Center for Judicial Excellence info@centerforjudicialexcellence.org www.centerforjudicialexcellence.org

TEENSLove is respect Hotline: 1-866-331-9474www.loveisrespect.orgBreak the Cycle 202-824-0707www.breakthecycle.org

DIFFERENTLY ABLEDDomestic Violence Initiative (303) 839-5510/ (877) 839-5510www.dviforwomen.org

Deaf Abused Women’s Network (DAWN) Email: Hotline@deafdawn.org VP: 202-559-5366www.deafdawn.org

WOMEN OF COLORWomen of Color Network 1-800-537-2238www.wocninc.orgINCITE! Women of Color Against Violence incite.natl@gmail.com www.incite-national.org

LATINA/LATINOAlianza 1-505-753-3334 www.dvalianza.orgCasa de Esperanza Linea de crisis 24-horas/24-hour crisis line 1-651-772-1611www.casadeesperanza.org

National Latin@ Network for Healthy Families and Communities1-651-646-5553www.nationallatinonetwork.org


The National Immigrant Women's Advocacy Project(202) 274-4457http://www.niwap.org/

INDIGENOUS WOMENNational Indigenous Women’s Resource Center 855-649-7299www.niwrc.org

Indigenous Women’s Network 1-512-258-3880www.indigenouswomen.orgASIAN/PACIFIC ISLANDERAsian and 

Pacific Islander Institute on Domestic Violence 1-415-954-9988www.apiidv.orgCommittee Against Anti-Asian Violence (CAAAV) 1-212- 473-6485www.caaav.orgManavi 1-732-435-1414www.manavi.org

AFRICAN-AMERICANInstitute on Domestic Violence in the African American Community 1-877-643-8222www.dvinstitute.orgThe Black Church and Domestic Violence Institute 1-770-909-0715www.bcdvi.org

LESBIAN, BI-SEXUAL, GAY, TRANSGENDER, GENDER NON-CONFORMINGThe Audre Lorde Project 1-178-596-0342www.alp.orgLAMBDA GLBT Community Services 1-206-350-4283http://www.qrd.org/qrd/www/orgs/avproject/main.htmNational Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs 1-212-714-1184www.ncavp.org

National Gay and Lesbian Task Force 1-202-393-5177www.ngltf.orgNorthwest Network of Bisexual, Trans, Lesbian & Gay Survivors of Abuse 1-206-568-7777www.nwnetwork.orgABUSE IN LATER LIFENational Clearinghouse on Abuse in Later Life 1-608-255-0539www.ncall.usNational Center for Elder Abuse 1-855-500-3537http://www.ncea.aoa.gov/MENNational Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) 1-720-466-3882www.nomas.orgA Call to Men 1-917-922-6738www.acalltomen.orgMen Can Stop Rape 1-202-265-6530www.mencanstoprape.orgMen Stopping Violence1-866-717-9317www.menstoppingviolence.orgLEGALAmerican Bar Association Commission on Domestic Violence 1-202-662-1000www.abanet.org/domviolBattered Women’s Justice Project 1-800-903-0111www.bwjp.orgLegal Momentum 1-212-925-6635www.legalmomentum.orgWomenslaw.org www.womenslaw.orgNational Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women 1-800-903-0111 x 3www.ncdbw.orgEUROPE AMCV- Associação de Mulheres Contra a Violênciahttp://mulher.sapo.pt/J92/276923.htmlAPAV- Associação Portuguesa de Apoio à Vítimahttp://www.apav.pt/home.htmlCIDM- Comissão Para a Igualdade e para os Direitos das Mulhereshttp://www.cidm.ptComissão para a Igualdade e para os Direitos das Mulhereshttp://www.cidm.ptCooperativa Sociale - Italyhttp://www.gaf.ptEscola C+S de Almeida Garretthttp://www.malhatlantica.ptGAF- Gabinete de Atendimento à Famíliahttp://www.promosud.itUMAR- União de Mulheres Alternativa e Respostahttp://www.terravista.ptNational Human Trafficking Hotline - 1-888-373-7888help@humantraffickinghotline.org  |  www.humantraffickinghotline.orgInternational Directory of Domestic Violence - http://www.hotpeachpages.net/europe/AUSTRIAIBF - Intervention Centre for Victims of Trafficking in Women + 43 1-796 92 98BELGIUMPAG-ASA + 32 2 511 64 64Payoke +32 3 201 16 90Sürya +32 4 232 40 30Multilingual brochure for victims of human traffickingBULGARIANational Hotline for Victims of Violence(operated by Foundation “Animus Association”): 0800 186 76National Hotline for Children (operated by the State Agency for Child Protection and Foundation “Animus Association”): 116 111National Human Trafficking Resource Line: (operated by A21 Bulgaria): 0800 20 100CZECH REPUBLICLa Strada SOS Hotline +420 222 71 71 71DENMARK - ESTONIAHuman Trafficking Prevention and Victim Help Hotline +372 6607 320 FINLANDSystem for victim assistance +358 71 876 3170FRANCENational Coordination for protection of victims of human trafficking hotline (Ac.Sé): 0 825 009 907GREECEHuman Trafficking Resource Line (operated by Α21 Campaign): 1109 (for international calls please call 0030-2310-525149)HUNGARYHotline telephone number for victims of domestic violence or Trafficking (Available 24/7)In Hungary: 06-80/20-55-20 – Crisis Management and Information Hotline.Abroad: 0036 80/20-55-20IRELANDHotline for the confidential reporting of suspicions of trafficking:1800 25 00 25ITALYNational hotline against trafficking 800 290 290LATVIAHotline against trafficking (in Latvian) 80002012LITHUANIAKlaipedasocial and psychological services centre 8 800 66366Lithuanian Criminal Police Bureau mailbox for providing information in connection with human trafficking.LUXEMBOURGLuxembourgnational contact for expertise in the field combating and preventing of trafficking in Human Beings (Police Grand-Ducale) +352 4997 6210Out of hours contact: Centre d'Intervention National: +352 4997 2341MALTAVice and Economic Crime, Police General Headquarters, contact for victims of human trafficking or reporting a crime in relation to human trafficking +356 2294 2000NETHERLANDSCoMensha (in Dutch) +31 33 4481186POLANDNational Intervention and Consultation Centre for Victims of Trafficking +48 22 628 01 20PORTUGALHotline against trafficking 800 202 148SOS Imigrante, hotline for all migrant situations 808 257 257ROMANIAHotline against trafficking 0800 800 678SLOVAKIA Slovak Crisis Center DOTYK + 421 903 704 784SLOVENIA KLJUČ KEY- Society, Centre for the fight against trafficking in persons: 080 17 22SPAINInstitut de la Femme 900 191 010, 900 152 152SWEDENNational Support line, a national telephone support line for women who have been subjected to threats and violence: 020 50 50 50Terrafem, a non-profit organisation that runs a national helpline for immigrant women: 020 52 10 10Report child trafficking (in Swedish)For more information please visit website of the National organisation for Women’s and Girls’ Shelters in Sweden.UNITED KINGDOMCRIMESTOPPERS, for victims of human trafficking or people having information that will help lead to the identification and recovery of victims in the UK: 0800 555 111
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